What's ACTUALLY Stopping You From Reaching Your Goals with Dr. Sean Pastuch | DFIO Ep.287
About Today’s Episode:
What's going on, friends? Welcome back to the show! I have an amazing, jam-packed episode for you today.
Our guest is Dr. Sean Pastuch, and I wanted to get him on the show today because not only does he have a ton of experience working with people, but he has a very different methodology.
We talk about his philosophy and headspace, what's actually stopping real, normal people from getting to where they want to be, he goes in-depth on how to lead with your values when changing your own behavior, and lastly, we talk about his opinion specifically on mindset in the inner game when it comes to the goal of transforming your body.
Again, this is a super-packed episode and I know you guys are going to get a lot out of it!
Let’s dive in!
02:12 Our Sponsors
08:38 Where to Start
32:03 The All-or-Nothing Game
Transcript (click to expand)
What's ACTUALLY Stopping You From Reaching Your Goals with Dr. Sean Pastuch | DFIO Ep.287
0:00:01.1 Sean Pastuch: I fail every day in some way, shape, or form. Every single day. I do not have it figured out. Areas of my life are a mess. And so it's easy to say, "don't compare yourself." But I also think that's a mistake. Do compare yourself. But instead of comparing yourself to, "how far along this line am I compared to that person?" Just start asking yourself, "how consistent am I as this person seems to be?"
0:00:27.8 Jared Hamilton: What's going on, friends? Welcome back to a brand new episode of Dieting from the Inside Out. If you are new around here, welcome to the show. My name is Jared Hamilton, and I'm so excited that you are here. I'm interviewing a really, really amazing guest today. His name is Dr. Sean Pastuch. Dr. Sean and I actually spoke at the same event several months ago at an event called Coaching Con. And after hearing Dr. Sean and a little bit of chatting with him, I knew I wanted to get on the show and talk about this kind of stuff. Because Dr. Sean puts on a lot of not only just amazing content, has a ton of real life experience working with real, real people, and he is incredibly intelligent. But he coaches very differently. His methodology is different. His philosophy and headspace around some of the stuff, as you'll see, is different.
0:01:11.1 Jared Hamilton: And I love it. And I think it makes such a huge difference for people. So just looking over my notes, here's what we got into on today's episode with Dr. Sean that I know you will love. Number one is we talked about what's actually stopping real normal people from getting to where they want to be. He actually has this section on this right now segment on his Instagram, where he's doing like real life street interviews, talking with people about this exact stuff, and then from his perspective, how to fix it. So it's been incredible. We talked about that, like what stops actual real people from getting from where they're at to where they want to be. We also talked about, he really goes in depth on how to lead with your values when changing your own behavior. And I think this is a piece not many people talk about.
0:01:51.8 Jared Hamilton: And it's so important because if you're not changing your values, it's like not changing your identity. Of course, you're not going to change your results. So he talks about that and we get into the whole deal behind all of that. And then lastly, we talk about his opinion, specifically on mindset and inner work when it comes to the goal of transforming your body and your life and everything about what's going on. So this is a very, very packed episode. I know you'll get a lot out of it. So before we get into a big thank you really quickly to the sponsors of the show, sponsor number one, FlexPro Meals, because they just make life so much more convenient. If you want your food and your nutrition as mindless as possible, where you don't have to think about anything, the only way to do that is have it arriving at your door and you just eat it.
0:02:32.5 Jared Hamilton: And that's exactly what FlexPro does, whether you want all your food like that or just have some meals on deck. I'm a fan of that, just having some meals on deck. So when things get crazy, you can have it and it doesn't throw you off your plan. So if that's kind of your cup of tea, definitely check them out at flexpromeals.com or hit the link below. But if you use my code HAMILTONTRAINED, it'll save you 20% at checkout, which is pretty cool just because having the meals that taste good, that meet your goals in your fridge at all times when things get crazy is really, really nice. So definitely check them out. And then secondly, a big thank you to 1st Phorm for always being a sponsor of myself and the show, because we all know supplements are not the end-all be-all. They are not everything, but they absolutely have their time and their place if you are not getting what you need from food, if you're not getting enough protein, if you're not getting your vitamins and minerals, if you're not getting your omegas, if you're not getting whatever it may be from food, then that's when we do lean into supplementation when it's appropriate.
0:03:24.2 Jared Hamilton: It's again, not the end-all be-all. It's not to replace anything, but if you're not getting what you need from actual food and it's not sustainable, like trying to force it, then that's when we look into supplements. So but the problem is not all supplements are created equal. A lot of people are either going to like Walmart and trying to get their stuff or running to like Amazon and just getting what's cheapest and what tastes the least shitty. But the problem is not all supplements are created equal, and that's when you get into a lot of trouble with quality and accuracy and safety and all of these things. So that's why we work with 1st Phorm, because I want you guys to have the best of the best, and I want your money going to the right places to give you the best products and results possible.
0:04:00.9 Jared Hamilton: So that's why we work with them. Definitely check out what they have going on at the link below. They have some free shipping stuff going on right now if you use my link. Otherwise, that is it for today's, for that part of the sponsor segment, if we want to call it that. Be sure and subscribe to the show if you aren't already, because this way you can be notified every single time I have a new guest or a new show comes out. But otherwise, I will shut up now and get Dr. Sean on. I will talk to you in just a second. Okay.
0:04:24.8 Jared Hamilton: I think we are recording. What's up, man? How are you?
0:04:26.1 Sean Pastuch: I'm great. I woke up healthy.
0:04:28.7 Jared Hamilton: There you go. You know, I think some people forget that. That's like most people are ahead of the game and they don't even think they are. You know what I mean?
0:04:36.5 Sean Pastuch: Yeah. It's an easy thing to forget because it's one of the things that we take for granted. In fact, we take it for granted so much that a lot of the health issues that people deal with day to day are manifested by our inaction or our action towards a goal that we don't actually have.
0:04:55.2 Jared Hamilton: That's good. Well, there you have it, everybody. We're like 30 seconds in. [laughter] Why do you think that is though? Why do you think that is?
0:05:04.6 Sean Pastuch: Yeah, I think because, well, how deep do you want me to go here?
0:05:10.8 Jared Hamilton: Well, the podcast is called Dieting from the Inside Out. So, we live in the deep.
0:05:15.5 Sean Pastuch: All right. So, I might give you a chance to speak again in the next hour then. I'd like to... Here's how I'll attack this. We just wrapped a staff meeting. I had a staff meeting right before this with our whole team at Active Life, 31 people plus me. And the entire staff meeting, and this is last week also, was to help people on the team who do not have a personal mission statement or core values to create them for themselves. And the reason why that to me is so important is because it becomes a direction that we can follow that we're behind. We're aligned with this direction. We put those words to paper. This is who I want to be. It's how I want to become it. And these values are the rules that I will follow in order to make sure I stay on the straight path to this mission.
0:06:19.5 Sean Pastuch: Even in our company, less than 50% of the people on the team have a personal mission statement, despite the fact that I've talked about it for years. And so, only recently did I decide through the influence of our leadership team that it's imperative that everybody on the team have one. And I think that we start to go off our own way. We do things that actually sabotage what we want because we've never been able to say what we want and stand behind it. And so, what happens is people get really good at saying what they want to avoid, talking about what they don't want, who they don't want to be, how they don't want to feel, who they don't want to be in relationships with, how they don't want to look. But the thought of describing very specifically and vulnerably how we do want to be is something that most people who I come across have never done.
0:07:25.5 Sean Pastuch: And it becomes emotional for people when they actually say it, which is wild when you really put it together.
0:07:37.0 Jared Hamilton: Sure.
0:07:39.3 Sean Pastuch: But being able to say, this is what I want and this is what I'm going to do is so much more powerful than this is what I don't want. And I think that what happens is people never consider what they want for a myriad of reasons. They don't think they deserve it. They don't think they're capable of achieving it. They don't know how they would do it. They think it seems ridiculous because nobody around them talks about what they want. They feel like in order to get that, I would have to be so selfish. I'd have to hurt other people. They don't know how to do it in alignment with their value. And so, I think that it's perhaps the most important thing that we learn how to do because otherwise we end up doing what you just asked me why people do so often, which is sabotage our own goals and work towards missions that are not even ours.
0:08:33.2 Jared Hamilton: That's good. That's so good. And see, this is what I'm talking about. Like this stuff like this comes out and it makes it great. So where does someone start with that? So like when someone goes, okay, I'd never heard of that before. Like where do they even start with something like that?
0:08:46.1 Sean Pastuch: I think by auditing, allow people who are thinking this way to influence you as fast as possible. And so, let's pretend you can't afford somebody first. Let's start on the, how do you do it for free? You find one to three or one in each category. Let's say one in each category for fitness, for medical, for relationships, for mental health, and for finances. Find one person in each of those categories who you are going to get mentorship from for free by following only them on Instagram, by following only their YouTube channels, and by consuming their content in the natural way that you consume content on those platforms, not like turn off your Netflix. No, forget that. Follow these people. And all of the other extraneous voices that are hitting you will start to get drowned out by the consistency that these five people are talking to you with.
0:09:57.1 Sean Pastuch: And that will start to influence the way that you behave, the way that you think, the way that you act. That's the free way. If you've done that for a year and you found ways that those people from watching the five of them can actually do a better job at their job, share with those people the things that they did that were helpful for you. And then share with them a way that somebody else who you really value did a similar thing. And offer it to them as another way to say the same thing so that more people will find and value their account. Go be additive to them. If you end up having the money, work with them. Work with them. What I recommend to people who are like, I have a little bit of money, but I don't have enough money to hire a mentor to work with me one-on-one or in a high-end capacity. What do I do there? You go find a group that you can pay to be a part of where the people in that group are elevating your personal values.
0:11:00.2 Sean Pastuch: Those could be things like Toastmasters. It could be a BNI local to you. It could be the Chamber of Commerce, depending on the value of it in your city, whatever it is, go to those places and allow yourself to be impressed by people who are doing impressive things instead of trying to be the person who is impressive. And if you go to those places and you learn from those people, they will be able to glean onto you faster leveling up of your personal self. As that happens, maybe you become a person who has the money to pay for direct mentorship. Now you'll know what kind of mentorship you're looking for. Excuse me. I will always have somebody who's mentoring me for the rest of my life, formally, formally. Somebody who's able to tell me, you said this thing, then you did this thing. This thing that you did is out of alignment with this thing that you said. Why did you do it? Or why are you saying that?
0:12:05.5 Sean Pastuch: And that provides for me, huge value, constantly getting checked on my stuff. And I think that one of the mistakes that people make in thought is they'll hear somebody like me, they'll follow somebody like me on Instagram and then they run to, okay, but he has it figured out for himself and he's adhering to these values and to this mission. And he never wavers. I'm not ready to do it so completely and effectively that I can commit. I can't say anything because I don't know if I want to commit to that. I fail every day in some way, shape or form, every single day. I do not have it figured out. Areas of my life are a mess. Most of my life is not a mess. And the things I would describe as a mess, you might not, but to me, they feel like a mess right now.
0:13:02.0 Sean Pastuch: And so no matter where you are in life, you're extremely proficient at something and you have needs in something else that goes for all of us. So it's easy to say don't compare yourself. But I also think that's a mistake. Do compare yourself. But instead of comparing yourself to how far along this line am I compared to that person, just start asking yourself, how consistent am I as this person seems to be?
0:13:35.5 Jared Hamilton: That's good. That's so good. Let me ask you this. This is something I hear and I would love to hear along the lines of mentorships. This is we're talking about it. What would you say to the person who says, I need to prove to myself I can do this without help?
0:13:49.0 Sean Pastuch: That's the... I need to prove to myself I can do it without help is one of two things. Insecurity. Or a cop out. And let's attack the cop out first. It can be the cop out for somebody who doesn't believe in the value of what you're offering to them. Jared. So it's... I'm sure you do a great job. They might not be sure you do a great job. They might not trust you. They might not trust your process. They might not trust your company. They might not trust themselves to execute your process with your company. But instead of being able to communicate to you, this is the reason I'm saying no right now. Or these are the things I'm worried about. They feed you this. It's no different than this is too expensive. It's the wrong time of year.
0:14:44.0 Sean Pastuch: I need to think about it. Let me check with my spouse. It's the same thing. It's just a different color. And so that's one possibility. The other possibility is and this, I believe, is unfortunately frequent. People have been burned. They've gone and said, I'm going to put my trust in this person, in this company, and then said company burned them.
0:15:15.4 Jared Hamilton: Yeah.
0:15:16.1 Sean Pastuch: And it became the situation where they either did everything the company asked or they didn't. And that frankly is irrelevant. They didn't get out of it, what they wanted to get out of it. And if I paid you to mentor me, Jared, and I wasn't showing up for calls, my expectation would be that part of your mentorship would be to say, Hey, we got to figure out why you're not showing up for calls and fix it or discontinue this mentorship because it's not giving you value. That's your responsibility as the mentor. That's what I do with the clients I work with. So the idea that a client wouldn't do the thing that's also on the mentor, discontinue mentoring. You don't want people out there who've been working with you for a year, but are only showing up to one out of every three phone calls and doing one out of every three assignments, failing and telling people they worked with you and it didn't work. And then you going out there and saying, well, they didn't show up. Well, why didn't you hold them responsible to showing up? Why didn't you cancel their payments? There's a dual responsibility here.
0:16:16.5 Jared Hamilton: Totally.
0:16:17.2 Sean Pastuch: So that for that person, I can see a little bit of insecurity around feeling comfortable, trusting somebody again, being able to be successful in somebody else's system again, having what it takes and being, and wanting to be able to say, look, I'm gonna try this thing because I think I can do it. And I want to feel accomplished. And then I'll come back to you to supercharge it. I understand why people say that. And there's a level of responsibility to the mentor to be able to be Alfred instead of Batman. And I think that a lot of mentors and coaches, the aspiration for them is to be Batman, to go out and fight the crime. I'm the hero of this story. Instead of positioning yourself as the support structure to the hero of the story, which is the person who's considering working with you.
0:17:24.4 Jared Hamilton: Sure.
0:17:25.0 Sean Pastuch: They don't actually care if they do it alone. They care that they're able to do it.
0:17:28.9 Jared Hamilton: Yeah. I agree with that completely. I love that. I was just curious of the way your stance on that was. One thing I was wanting to ask you when we were talking today is I've been really enjoying your content. You're... What I call your street content, where like you're going like on the boardwalk and you're having these little, these interviews, but it's been with like real people in real life with real responsibilities. And I, because that's everyone who listens to the show. What have been some of your findings that for those that aren't following you right now, like what have been some of your findings with these like street interviews that you've been doing?
0:17:56.8 Sean Pastuch: The most valuable finding for me was actually fairly confirmatory. If that's a word. Confirmational. What I've been learning is that cost is what most people say is their deciding factor. Cost and convenience are the two number one and number two factors of where they're going to work out and if they're going to work out. And I think that people, business owners, gym owners, coaches, they're used to hearing that. And so their belief is that's what everybody wants. So that's what I need to create where if it's me, I'm looking for, okay, well, did one in every 100 say something different?
0:18:47.9 Sean Pastuch: Because I imagine that that one in every 100 is being underserved because people are not focused on that person. There's not enough of them for the mass market to serve them. And I understand why gym owners and trainers run into racing to the bottom on their price because they believe that's what the market wants because more people will come in and more people is confirmation that you're doing the right thing to drive traffic to your business. But I believe that there is 1-3% of the population who today is conscious that they want something significantly more, understands it's going to cost a lot more money, and is completely ruling out all of these inexpensive solutions. And there is nobody competing for their attention.
0:19:42.0 Sean Pastuch: And so for me, with Active Life, what I would prefer to do is to build the most overwhelmingly supportive and complete product and service for a client that I possibly can, which includes super high self-awareness, emotional IQ, empathetic, personally-developed staff who also have the skill set to solve the problem, they first need to be the person you want to be more like. Then they need to be the person who can also solve your problem, so we do that, to hire people and develop people like that costs a lot of money.
0:20:30.3 Jared Hamilton: Yeah.
0:20:31.1 Sean Pastuch: You wouldn't want your financial advisor to be broke, you wouldn't want your lawyer to be bargain basement, you wouldn't want your doctor to be letting you dictate your treatment, so why are we letting these other people who are coaching us in our lives do that? That's number one, I have to get those people and have to develop them in such a way that they can deliver a service that is world class undeniably. Then I need to be able to make sure that the way it's delivered to the client lacks clunky-ness. I have to remove all of the friction from the engagement for the client, then I have to create accessibility because it's one thing to have access to a coach or what we call an ALP, a mentor.
0:21:17.7 Sean Pastuch: ALP is Active Life Professional, it's one thing to have access to a person like that on a time schedule that like this is your window. It's another thing to have access to an entire team of people like that who are abundantly available for you with legitimate boundaries in place for each of them. That's expensive. So all of these things. You add all of this stuff up. In order to do that, we have to be expensive. Now, we're not expensive for what you get, but we're expensive, so we take all of the best ingredients in the world for what it is that you want to do, we make it implausible that you will not get the results that you want if you enroll, and then we pass the costs of that promise on to you.
0:22:07.5 Jared Hamilton: I love that, that's so good. Now, let me ask you this, so for, so within that, for the average person, what do, what does it take for the average person and listening to be successful? With that, that's listening to this, with things like the goals that they're working with that are just wanting to look better, wanting to feel better, like the people that come into your program. What is it, 'cause from your seat, you guys are amazing at transforming people, right? You're absolutely fantastic at taking these people from where they're at and getting them exactly where they wanna be, if you were to zoom out and go, What does it take for the most successful to become the most successful in this wheelhouse or what is it from your opinion?
0:22:46.6 Sean Pastuch: Well, let's start when they're giving your audience an understanding of where that person is and where that person wants to go, so that it's not just a general...
0:22:56.5 Jared Hamilton: Right.
0:22:56.6 Sean Pastuch: I like to, the person who's listening to this, who is a fit to work with us or to talk to us, is the person who feels like their needs are not, they're not in mind, in any of the fitness businesses in their town, and they don't need a medical professional, they're in this space where it's like, Look, I haven't worked out in 20 years, 5 years, and I don't know how to start again. My body as I get older is not responding to activity the way that it did when I was younger, and none of these businesses in town understand how to specifically modulate that. I have an injury, and I've gone to the doctor and they've told me not to do the things that hurt and then I've gone to gyms and they've told me that they can work around it. I wanna stop working around it, and I want it to stop hurting. How do I fix this problem? People who say I have an inflammatory or a metabolic disease, I have hypothyroid, I have diabetes, I have lupus, I have MS.
0:24:10.5 Sean Pastuch: And when I go to a gym, nobody knows what that means in regards to how I need to exercise, I don't need to go to a physical therapist for exercise, so, I, people with joint replacements, we aim and are the company who creates access and opportunity for people that need their fitness or the medical industry is thinking about to reclaim access to physical freedom and to become a positive social influence on the other people in their lives. That's who we work with. So if you're the mom who's like, I just want to stop wearing a t-shirt to the beach, because I've been telling my daughter that I'm cold, I've been lying to my daughter telling her that I'm cold because the truth is I'm... What's the word. I'm uncomfortable with the way that I look in a bikini or in a bathing suit, self-conscious about the way that I look in a bikini or a bathing suit, but now my daughter is getting old enough that she's gonna know I'm not cold, it's 85 degrees outside and there's no breeze. So I need to change the way that I look so that I can feel confident to be a great mom.
0:25:31.9 Sean Pastuch: What I would tell that person is, you're a fit for us, if you want to believe that everything you just said is untrue, because if the only way that you feel confident to be a great mom is if your body looks different, then you become completely dependent on your body looking different for you to have the confidence that you need to be a great mom, and if that body ever slips back, you lose that confidence, so your entire life is on a single hinge point, one little Fulcrum. We add a little bit of weight to one side, everything flips, what we help people do is become a positive social influence on others, which allows them to make any change they want to make in their life. So the way that you achieve success doing that is understanding who you are and what the minimum promise that you can make about the way you show up is.
0:26:33.2 Sean Pastuch: So for example, let's pretend we're talking to this mom who maybe she was in a marriage that she thought was great, she had some kids, marriage is breaking down, it's either over or it's, you're like roommates with your husband. By the way, I've been in that situation, in the roommate situation and had to work on coming out of it, and it was extremely valuable lesson, so when I speak about this, I'm speaking about it from lived experience, you want to look a different way, but between work, parenting, being a wife, it's just really hard to get to a gym to work out regularly, to eat healthy food all the time, to cook from home, it's just the time is just such a pain in the ass. You are schlepping your kids all over the place, and the last person you get to think about right before you fall asleep is yourself, and all you think about is the things that you're not.
0:27:40.9 Sean Pastuch: I'm talking to that person right now or some version of that person. All that you need to do to be successful is understand what the minimum promise that you can make to yourself and others is. So the way I like to help people pull this out is who is the person in your life who, it's most important to you, you show up for? My kids. Great, your kids, how do you think your kids would describe how you show up for them, if they have the words to articulate it, and then they'll share. Great. That's who you aspire to be. All that you can do is promise that that's what you're aiming to become for everybody, including yourself all the time, that's your minimum promise that you're on that path. As long as you can hold on to that, everything else that you do is in accordance with that being the aim.
0:28:52.0 Sean Pastuch: And now what happens is, we remove all of the expectations for time of outcome, specificity of outcome, I'm gonna look like this, I'm gonna weigh that, it's gonna happen by this date, this bathing suit is gonna fit me like this, this person is gonna say this. All stuff you have no control over, and what happens is we start to allow ourselves to treat life like an experiment, this is the outcome that we said we want eventually, as soon as possible. Let's run an experiment and see how it works. Okay, we came up a little bit short, what would we change in the way we ran that experiment for the next run to see if we get closer, people want results that they can measure and that are in alignment with what their expectations are in short order, oftentimes. And the only way that they measure is on a scale, body composition, what they weigh, how they look, how their clothes fit, all of this stuff.
0:30:00.2 Sean Pastuch: That's oftentimes the last thing that comes. And so the way I would urge people to think about life in regards to chasing success is that it's experimental, you're just trying a new thing, and if you're continuously trying things to get to the same place, and you're giving them long enough, and you're not starting over with a new everything, you're starting over with, we did these 10 things, we're gonna take these three out 'cause they didn't align, we're gonna put these three and we're gonna see if we get results faster. We did, we did. We still didn't get there, but they're faster, so now let's take these two out and replace them with these two. Wow, way faster. Okay, and sustainable, I think we just need a little fine tuning, let's see, just one out and put this one in. That's it, that's the ticket. If we can look at life that way, I think that we have a lot more opportunity for success.
0:30:55.8 Jared Hamilton: I would agree. I think that goes for everything way outside of weight loss too. You know what I mean?
0:31:00.4 Sean Pastuch: Of course, it's how, we have a brick and mortar business that we just opened, and the operations lead over there came to me and he's like, "Hey, I'm frustrated with speed with which we're growing." Now, the business over there is making more money than any gym I ever owned before with more profit, with better staff, with happier clients. So it's great. Yeah, yeah, but we said we wanna be at this by this date. We're not. Okay, what we should have said is, we think if we do these things, we will be at this by this date, let's test that and see if it's true, 'cause now we did these things we thought we would be at this place by this date, we're not. Okay, okay. What were we wrong about? That's a way different way to experience failure than we said we were gonna do this thing. And we didn't. Damn it. We suck.
0:32:05.3 Jared Hamilton: Do you think this is why in, let's say, weight loss, not necessarily business, that so many people play the all or nothing game where let's say they're like, Oh, I think I should lose a pound a week and I should be down 30 pounds in 30 weeks, or whatever the metric is, and they mess that up or they don't mess that up, let's just say it was a half a pound a week. But they were on a pound a week, 'cause that's what their co-worker had happened, and then they go to the other extreme and go all or nothing, and this isn't even worth it, do you think that's where that comes into play for a lot of people?
0:32:31.0 Sean Pastuch: No, I think that is much more a mechanism of people tying, "I will love myself when." And you're not getting there unless you love yourself first, and you're not staying there unless you love yourself, so it comes down to, I wanna be this by this, and I'm going all in to become a new person, that's not how you become a new person, and by the way, why are you trying to become a new person and why don't you just become a better person than you already are. Why don't you, a better version of you. We don't need you to become somebody else.
0:33:12.1 Jared Hamilton: How, so how do you, let me ask you this thing, so for the person that's listening, that's like, Well, I don't love myself. Like, how do I start? Scream affirmations in the mirror that I love myself?
0:33:21.2 Sean Pastuch: No, That's the worst, that's the worst.
0:33:22.5 Jared Hamilton: Right. I would agree.
0:33:26.9 Sean Pastuch: Look, people are oftentimes looking for the thing that's going to do it, what's the retreat I can go on, what's the event I can go to? Who's the coach I can sign up for their quick program to turn my life around. I understand why that happens, and I empathize with people who do it. I think that the best way to start to give yourself love and hold yourself to a standard, that it creates boundaries for people who don't give you that kind of respect, is, there's two things that I recommend you do. The first is cling to that minimum promise. A reason why a lot of people are out of love with themselves is because they don't even know if what they're saying is true anymore. I say all this stuff, and sometimes I do it and sometimes I don't. I can't even trust myself. Keep your promises small and be consistent about hitting them. That's number one.
0:34:45.0 Sean Pastuch: Number two is, come to the reality and this one is painful. Come to the reality, that part of the reason that you're struggling to hold yourself to the, to give yourself the love that you deserve that you need is because you're basing your worth on the amount and frequency with which you receive love from other people. And so now what happens is, you are going to take on behaviors that bring love from other people more often, and those behaviors could very well be out of alignment with what you actually value, and so now you don't love yourself, because what you really don't love, you do love yourself. What you don't love is the version of yourself that you allow other people to see, and so your fear is around, well, if I tell people the truth, if I am myself, people won't love me, and that's why... And so I'm not lovable. That's patently false. If you show up as yourself, certain people won't love you.
0:36:05.6 Sean Pastuch: Those people never did. Right now, you allow yourself to believe all these people love me, when the reality is they love the caricature that you created for them to see. Some people love you, who know you for you, they know all of the shit that you put out that's nonsense. They know the things you're insecure about, and they love you, for them. Those are the kinds of people you want around you all the time. I'll share a brief story to kind of elucidate this, I have a friend who had, her boss was coming to visit her, she's friendly with her boss, and her boss and her boss's husband were coming to town to visit her, and she wanted to cancel for her reasons, and her reasons were totally, they're good.
0:36:56.8 Sean Pastuch: And she's like, Yeah, maybe I'll just tell her like, Look, I love you. It's just not the right weekend, and whatever, whatever. I'm like, "Well. Do you love your boss?" And she's like, "Well, no." "So then why would you tell her that you love her?" And she said, "Well, I don't know, it's like the nice thing to do," I'm like, "Is it? 'cause you're lying to her. Now, you're saying that lying is the nice thing to do." You don't have to say, Hey, I just wanna let you know, I could take or leave your company, and so this weekend, please stay home. Don't come here, you don't have to go there. But you can certainly say something along the lines of, Hey, I need some time for myself this weekend, and I gotta cancel, and we can reschedule the date.
0:37:52.4 Jared Hamilton: Sure.
0:37:53.1 Sean Pastuch: And you can leave out all of the fluff that's not true, because after you say that, you know, nobody else has to, you know I just lied again. And you don't want to be around liars, so you don't wanna be around yourself.
0:38:12.0 Jared Hamilton: That's good. I think think it's interesting that you keep going back to the same two points, it's been the centerpiece of our entire conversations of what values do you, that, what values are important to you and what's the minimum effective dose? I think it's interesting that it goes back to just those same two things.
0:38:28.9 Sean Pastuch: Well, that's what we are. That's it. It's less about the minimum effective dose, just to be really specifically accurate with the language, it's more about what can you consistently show up and do, because if I sit in a witness stand and we bring out the best lawyers in the world to cross-examine me about the things that I say are important. And they looked at my phone calendar, they looked at like they had somehow they had like a timer for what I spent every minute of my day doing... For every day for the last five years. And they said, Okay, you said this, we just read your mission statement, Dr. Sean, let's evaluate where you're out of alignment with that. They would have a really bad day. If they were cross-examining me, they would have a really bad day because my mission statement is minimum promises, and I can hit those promises every single day and I will miss in circumstances, every single day, there's nothing in that statement that says, And I will be perfect...
0:39:48.4 Jared Hamilton: That's really interesting. I think it's funny that... Not funny, but I think it's ironic that so many people, their big go-to is these huge outlandish promises. Why do you think that is? That their go-to is like, Oh, I'm gonna do X, Y, Z, that's either unsustainable, arguably unattainable or just not practical, versus what these small doable promises are?
0:40:10.7 Sean Pastuch: Excitement. Rarely does somebody gain 20, 30, 40 pounds in a year. It happens, but it's not the most common. What's the most common is you put on three, and then 10 years later you're like, How the fuck did I gain 30 pounds? And where did my six-pack go? And what happened to looking really good in a bathing suit and thinking I'm young and cute? When did that go away? And then for women, oftentimes, speaking from what my wife has shared with me, the first thing that happens is you have the babies, and there's a moment of like, Oh well, I'm supposed to... I'm not worried about my body image right now, I had babies, and that's okay, and you kind of justify... And by the way, when I say justify, what I mean is you justify not loving the way your body looks... Not, I'm not making any statement at all about the value of having kids and what your body should look like afterwards, forget that, that's not what I'm saying at all. But then what happens is five, 10 years later, you haven't changed it in a way that you wanted to, and then you can say, This is what kids do to you, and it's not...
0:41:38.3 Sean Pastuch: It's just not. It's objectively not, it's what kids plus your habits, your decisions, your indecision, did. And that's fine, it's awareness, but you spent 10 to 15 years getting into this position, and now the thought process is, I know people who have lost 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 100 pounds in a single year. That needs to be me. Maybe it will be. Maybe it won't be, but what I would recommend is develop a process for yourself that you can sustain forever and fall in love with the process and fall in love with yourself, because then what happens is, it's easy to stick to 'cause you love it, and you love you, and it creates the physical reward that you've always wanted, and it's constant. You're constantly improving. Instead of trying to run a marathon on a 100 meter dash pace.
0:42:47.9 Jared Hamilton: Something that I get a lot in the DMs and in emails and things like that, that I'd be curious along these lines as we're talking about what are the smaller disciplines that I can do consistently to show up and things like that. Now, 'cause I've always... Because a lot of people will explain what's easy to do is equally as easy not to do, like making your bed, it's not hard to make your bed. But for the people who say, Well, I know exactly what to do, I'm just not doing it, and I "get in my own way". However they wanna word it...
0:43:13.4 Sean Pastuch: Neither are the people around you.
0:43:14.1 Jared Hamilton: What do you mean?
0:43:17.2 Sean Pastuch: Your friends, the person who would say that to you, the people you're spending the most time with are saying the same things that you're saying, find people who are saying different things.
0:43:27.1 Jared Hamilton: That's good.
0:43:29.4 Sean Pastuch: You're a mentor to people. I'm a mentor to people. It's nice to feel important. The most valuable thing that I give to clients who work with me is other people who are saying the things that they want to be saying, it's network, it's now you're accountable to a group of people who have made the same pledge about changing their life that you have, and they're not going to allow you to fail as long as you show up, and they're not going to allow you not to show up and stay a part of the group. So you either decide, these are the people I want to be surrounded by. And so, okay, I need to change my behavior in order to fit in with this group of people who I want to be more like, or I need to not be around these people, and when you change the group, it's always uncomfortable, and it does not mean saying goodbye to all of your friends and family who you genuinely like right now, have a history with and want to stay in relationships with, it's not good bye to them, it's not fuck those people. This is not a binary black or white, it's shifting your time priority to more of it with people who are more aspirational to you than the ones you hang out with. That's it.
0:44:54.9 Jared Hamilton: I think it's interesting that we'll see... We'll see parents, I'm not a parent, but we'll see parents have the... We'll call it the law of association concept and the environment plays such a big role with kids, like you see good little Billy and you see the bad group of kids, and you don't want a little Billy to go play with the bad group of kids 'cause you know it rubs off, but when it's... Let's say the mom's turned in this kind of scenario with her stuck friends or the people who use the same verbiage and the same old value systems, there seems to be a disconnect.
0:45:25.3 Sean Pastuch: So I have three daughters aged four, six and eight, and my wife and I choose our friends based on what we want our kids to be exposed to. That's it. We have friends in town, and we had 20 people over for dinner on Saturday night.
0:45:49.2 Jared Hamilton: Wow, that's a night.
0:45:50.7 Sean Pastuch: Here's the thing, we have found this group of friends, we live in a beach town, we have found and curated this group of friends who share many of the values that we do, who have some that are not ours. We diverge in some cases, and we converge in others, we learn where we diverge, and we galvanize where we converge, so I know, for example, if any of these parents in our group, if their kids did something that was malicious and out of line I don't have to worry about their parents saying, Yeah, whatever, they're young. So I don't have to worry about my kids being repeatedly exposed to it, so they're gonna learn from these other kids that they're around, the values that those other kids' parents imparted onto them. And so we choose our friends because that's how our kids end up in play dates, so it's easy to surround yourself with people who are less aspirational than you, because most people are not very aspirational, unfortunately, as a society, we've been beaten down and we've found ways to rationalize it.
0:47:12.6 Jared Hamilton: Yeah, no, that makes sense. For you is... I'm not sure exactly how to ask this question. I know it's this way for you in your life, but for the way that you coach clients who are trying to change their situation, do you always start it at the value, what I call the value filter, where the values you're looking to bring upon and everything like that, or do you start it somewhere different, or does it always go back to, Well, what are we valuing right now, or what are our values right now?
0:47:39.6 Sean Pastuch: It starts with, Am I even the right coach for you? Is Active Life the right company for you? I know that there are a lot of companies who would say We don't just take anybody with a heart beat and a credit card, and then most of them do. I believe I have a very legitimate responsibility to make sure anybody who we bring in is additive to the group, and so what that means is, last month we had 30 discovery calls, for example, on our brick and mortar, 30 people who said, I think that you guys could help me. We only recommended an in-person consultation to 13, the other 17 out of 30, we recommended to other businesses and made warm introductions to the owners of those businesses. So the first step is actually, do I believe that this is a fit for you, 'cause if it's not, you're not getting what you want, and we're not gonna be able to help you, that's where we're parsing through what your values are, what you're able to articulate as your values and what you want, then we move into the phase where we help you to better articulate your own values, it's the first thing you do when you become a client with us. What are your values?
0:48:57.0 Sean Pastuch: Now, that's more on the professional side than on the individual side, because most of the people who come to us as individuals are coming to us saying, I want to get out of pain, and I want to do it without going to the doctor, without taking pills, without getting surgery, and without giving up my Active Life, I don't need to just be out of pain for the sake of being out of pain, I want to be able to do the things that pain is withholding from me right now. Those are the people we help online from anywhere in the world, with those people getting to values is a more nuanced approach. We sift for them before we would enroll them as well, and then we help our clients to better communicate with themselves, which leads them to better communicate with their family and friends, which leads them to understanding, what am I communicating about? Why am I even having this conversation? So we help them to develop their values along the way.
0:49:54.7 Jared Hamilton: I love that. So for those listening, 'cause I know we're gonna be wrapping up for those listening that maybe that are intrigued to see if you would be the right fit for them or your company is, what are some of the values for that you could allude to for people listening that may be a good fit for what you do?
0:50:12.9 Sean Pastuch: Great question. Some of the values are patience, being a student, you're genuinely going to learn, vulnerability or the interest in developing it. Respect. We're not 24/7 access. We do have boundaries. Accountability, we're not going to do this for you. We're going to do this with you. We're Alfred, you're Batman. And then I guess the last thing we're looking for there is it's a general vibe check. Do we believe... You're gonna like us. Sometimes we talk to you and say, you're not... Culturally, you're just not gonna be a fit. And if you tell me, No, no, I want to be a fit in that kind of a culture. That's part of the reason I'm coming to you. Sure, we can do that. But most people, that's not why they're coming, and so I can make a reference for them to somebody else.
0:51:20.1 Jared Hamilton: Sure, I think that shows a lot of... From an integrity side and from a, just it really shows your values shining through when you're willing to conduct a business like that... You know what I mean? I think that's incredible.
0:51:37.1 Sean Pastuch: I appreciate that. I had somebody last week who is actually a client of ours in the professional development side, and he listened to a podcast that we were on, and when we work, we have face-to-face opportunities for our clients in small groups every day, and one-on-one bi-weekly. So it's not like you enroll and then you're on this big screen with 50, 100 other people trying to get your word in edge-wise, we are... We know you, we know your wife, we know your husband, we know your kids, we know your dog, we know what you're struggling with, we know what you're great at. For our clients, there's going to be a level of responsibility of showing up and doing so in a way that inspires other people to show up too. And I'm not just talking about our other clients, I'm talking about the people in your life.
0:52:28.9 Jared Hamilton: I love that. That's amazing, man.
0:52:31.3 Sean Pastuch: Thank you.
0:52:34.3 Jared Hamilton: That's incredible. Where can... Go ahead.
0:52:34.3 Sean Pastuch: I apologize, I lost train of thought there, this professional development client, listened to one of the things we were talking about, and he listened to me talking about how we've actually done that with clients, and he said to me, I wanna close my business. I said, Why? He's like, I run a big box gym, which I knew we're helping with his personal training department, and he's like the only part of my gym I love now is my training, because everything else about my gym I need 60% of the people to not show up. And that doesn't feel aligned with my values, and everything you talk about at Active Life is... You never say the word, he's like, But it's integrity, integrity, integrity, integrity. And then I'm a client, and I see it. You asked me to let a staff member go, who if they stayed I'd have to pay you, Sean, $800 a month to develop. And so instead of taking $10,000 from me, you advised me not to have that person on staff, that's integrity. He's like I feel like I don't have it in my business, so I'm gonna close it and I wanna open a new one from scratch, in a different model to be more like yours.
0:53:49.1 Jared Hamilton: That's incredible. That's beautiful. Where can people learn more about you, whether from whatever angle they're listening to this from, whether the client angle or the professional angle, where can people find more of you and learn more about your stuff at?
0:54:00.9 Sean Pastuch: Head to @drseanpastuch on Instagram, everything is there. And when you come tell me I listened to the podcast you did with Jared Hamilton, so I can say, "Oh, great. What did you like about it?" we can talk.
0:54:12.4 Jared Hamilton: I love it. Awesome, man. Well, this has been fantastic. Always good to connect with you. I appreciate you doing this, man.
0:54:18.7 Sean Pastuch: You're welcome. I'm glad we met in the bathroom.
0:54:21.0 Jared Hamilton: Absolutely. I'll talk to you soon. And we are back. Thank you so much for tuning in again to today's episode of Dieting from the Inside Out. I am so excited that you were here and be sure... If you made it this far, be sure and follow Dr. Sean, be sure and shoot him message and tell him like, Yo, what's up, I heard you on Jared's show, on Dieting from the Inside Out, and give him some love because of the value he brought today, I'll leave all the resources we talked about in the description or the description section, wherever you're listening to this on. But before you go, I do have some stuff for you. Okay, number one, if you're listening to this and you're a little bit newer and you're not quite sure where to get started with all this weight loss stuff, you'll wanna go through my free course, I have a free course called The Fat loss checklist. That way, it'll show you exactly what you need to know about getting from where you're at to where you wanna be and just getting yourself started. Next, if you, let's say you know what to do, but you just struggle with support and you feel like you're alone because your kids don't get it.
0:55:13.3 Jared Hamilton: Your husband doesn't get it. Your friends are insecure, so they're not super supportive and you're just kind of on your own, you need a home base, you need to be around a group of like-minded people who are going where you're going, and who are on this journey with you and I cultivated that, it's in our Facebook group, it's completely free. It's called Fat Loss Simplified. This way, I put a ton of value in there and a bunch of trainings and resources, that way your problems are getting solved, but it's a group of people... There's like 7000 plus more people in that group as at the time of recording this that are on the same journey as you, that will love on you and support you and really help take you to where you wanna be as well. It takes a village. You know what I mean? So definitely click the link below if you wanna see about joining that, what else do you have? If you aren't following me on my other platforms. All those links are below Instagram and TikTok and YouTube and things like that. All the episodes are on YouTube as well, so if you wanna actually watch these interviews there, you can watch them actually like us going back and forth on YouTube, so I'll leave the link there, and if you haven't yet left a review, it would mean the world to me, because that's how we can get this podcast to more ears.
0:56:13.6 Jared Hamilton: What else? And lastly, if you are in the boat of you're sick and tired of trying to do this on your own and in the mental bandwidth and the mental gymnastics of trial error, trial error and it's not getting anywhere. One-on-one coaching may be a better fit than trying to do this on your own, so if you're interested into seeing what one-on-one coaching with me and my team looks like. That way it's fool proof. It has a guarantee. You don't have to worry about anything. It's completely turnkey, where we do all the thinking for you, so you just show up and execute, and in six, 12, 18 months, your life is never the same, then definitely check the link below and we can have a quick call and see if it's a good fit or not. Otherwise, that is it for today's episode. I love you, I appreciate you, and I will talk to you next time.
The Importance of Core Values:
Dr. Sean believes that we sabotage because we never say what we want and thus are never able to stand behind it.
People get really good at describing who they don’t want to be, how they don’t want to look, etc., but they’re never able to specifically describe who they do want to be.
Being able to say, “This is what I want” and “This is what I’m going to do” is much more powerful than saying, “This is what I don’t want.”
Dr. Sean believes there are a plethora of reasons why people never stop to think about what they do want—they don’t think they deserve it, they don’t think they’re capable, they don’t know how to do it in alignment with their values, etc.
This leads a person to sabotage or work towards goals that aren’t even their own.
Where to Start:
If you can’t afford coaching, Dr. Sean recommends finding 1 person each in the categories of fitness, medical, relationships, mental health, and finances, and following only those people on social media—and consuming their content for a year.
Limiting your content intake to the people you’ve selected will drown out extraneous voices and the consistency of the people you’re following will impact you for the better.
If you have some money to invest in your transformation, Dr. Sean recommends finding a paid group that will elevate your personal values.
He says to allow yourself to be impressed by people who are doing impressive things and learn from them instead of trying to always be that impressive person.
If you can afford a mentor, Dr. Sean recommends having one. He, himself, has—and will always have—a mentor because it provides him with a higher level of consistency than he feels he can achieve on his own.
Dr. Sean also says that instead of the stereotypical, “Don’t compare yourself to others…” mantra you hear so often, he says that you should compare yourself to others, but compare how consistent you are versus how consistent they are.
“I Need to Do It Without Help”
Believing that you need to “prove” that you can do something without help is one of two things: insecurity or a cop-out.
Generally, this could be that you don’t trust the coach, the process, or your ability to follow through—or you’ve been burned by another coach or company in the past.
There may be insecurity around trusting another coach and relying on a mentor to guide you and hold you accountable.
What Dr. Sean Has Learned From Filming His "Street Content":
Jared really enjoys Dr. Sean’s, “street content,” where Sean goes out and conducts interviews with real people out walking around.
From those interviews, Dr. Sean has confirmed that the two biggest factors of whether or not a person is going to work out are cost and convenience.
He believes that this is why many gym owners and coaches often end up in a race to the bottom with their prices—but that this appeal to the mass markets misses out on 1-3% of the population who are looking for something more.
This has led Dr. Sean to the goal of building up staff and a company that has the knowledge, lives the life, and delivers to the client a superior experience in achieving the success they are looking for.
What it Takes to be Successful:
Dr. Sean focuses on clients who may not have worked out in a very long time, or who have an injury, but keep being told by their doctor to just not do things that hurt—people who are not being served by the fitness or medical industry.
Dr. Sean and his company, Active Live, focuses on helping people to become a positive social influence on others, which allows them to make any change they want to make in their life.
The way to do that—and to achieve success—is by understanding who you are and what the minimum promise you can make about the way you show up is.
Dr. Sean helps people figure this out by asking, “Who is the most important person in your life that you show up for? How would that person describe how you show up for them?”
All you can do is promise that that’s what you are aiming to become for everyone—including yourself.
By doing this, you remove all the expectations for time of outcome, as well as specificity of the outcome, like clothing size or weight.
This allows you to experiment and everything that you do will be in alignment with your goal.
Life, in regards to success, is all an experiment that you are continuously refining.
The All-or-Nothing Game:
Dr. Sean believes that people play the all-or-nothing game when they have the belief that, “I will love myself when…” and that you will never get there if you don’t love yourself first.
For those who don’t love themselves, the best way to give yourself love—and give yourself boundaries—is to cling to that minimum promise.
Keep your promises small and be consistent about hitting them so you can build trust with yourself.
Also, realize that the reason you are struggling to give yourself love is because you are basing your worth on the amount and frequency with which you receive love from other people.
When that’s the case, you will take on behaviors that bring love from other people—but those behaviors may not be in alignment with your values.
This leads to the fear that if you are yourself, people won’t love you.
While some people may not love the real you, those people never loved you to begin with.
Those who do love you know you and your insecurities.
It's all about what you can consistently show up and do.
Why People Make Outlandish Promises:
Dr. Sean believes that people's excitement leads them to create outlandish promises.
He also makes the point that you don’t gain 30lbs in a month.
Generally, you gain a little weight at a time…
…And then 10 years go by and you’re 30lbs heavier and don’t know how you got there.
Then, you know or have heard of someone who lost a large amount of weight in a year and think that needs to be you.
Instead, you need to develop a process that you can sustain forever. Fall in love with that process and fall in love with yourself.
The Importance of Who You Spend Your Time With:
If you are a person who says or believes that you know what to do, but you just aren’t doing it, look at who you spend time with.
Your friends are likely saying the same things—and you need to get around different people.
Changing your group is always uncomfortable.
You don’t have to cut people out of your life, but you need to shift your time toward being with people who you find aspirational because if you want to fit in with that group, you will align your behavior to it.
About Active Life:
Dr. Sean always starts with determining whether or not he and his company are a good fit for you. Then, they move into defining the client’s values.
He is very intentional about who he adds to the community he has created.
He then helps the client better communicate with themselves, which leads to better communication with their friends, family, and others.
The most important values Dr. Sean looks for in clients are: patience, being a student, vulnerability or the interest in developing it, respect, accountability, and lastly, whether or not someone fits the community’s general vibe.
Dr. Sean and his team always want to ensure that whoever they’re bringing in is truly a good fit culturally.
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